Lucky Pierre's

I don't like referring people to really expensive restaurants. Mostly because I can't afford them and I'm too old to dine and dash. But also because it feels pretentious and obvious to do so. As in, "Well yeah, it was $200. It HAS to be good." But that isn't always the case my minimum-wage-working-friends. Sometimes you will spend a lot of money to eat at a fancy foo-foo spot and you'll leave saying "that was okay," or even worse, "that sucked ostrich nuts." Imagine spending your entire weekly salary on ONE meal and then being disappointed. Dios mio! I can say that I have had that experience on a number of occasions but that was not the case at Pierre's Restaurant (81600 Overseas Highway, Islamorada, FL 33036 Ph: 305-664-3225) in the enchanted waters of Florida's keys. First of all, Mr. Pierre gets a big bonus for architecture. A big, beautiful, colonial style mansion is the structure that attempts to contain the gastric warrior that is Pierre's. Upon entering you feel as though you are being welcomed into an exclusive club or West African retreat or maybe just a regular home if you are really wealthy and big homes no longer impress you. Once you are seated upstairs, where the dining room is (downstairs is home to the bar), you will be overlooking the majestic waters of this secluded haven and the mediocre service will take over! (On my night, the service was so-so, but I presume if you are a regular or if you "appear" wealthy, it may be much better.) Now that you've waited 15 minutes for water, get ready to stuff your carcass with the goodies that the Jones' are eatin' cause this place ain't playin'! For my appetizer I ordered a soft shell crab. I KNOW. You've had 'em, you are not impressed. Or you're from Maine or Baltimore and they are only good where YOU are from. Well kick me in the cock and call me Candice, because this soft shell crab was astounding. First of all, it was served HOT. Soft shell crab should always be served hot enough to have you hospitalized. Great meat, a flaky, crisp exterior, but not too doughy and thick and that sauce. Oh the sauce. You see, Pierre's is a French "influenced" eatery that also takes notes from it's south Florida locale, so every item has some unexpected twist. This isn't your standard soft shell crab plate. Back to the sauce- on the menu it reads "Honey mustard aioli" sauce will accompany your warm spinach, crab, and candied walnuts. What it should have said is, "sauce that will make you reevaluate your meaningless life." The sauce was one to remember. Subtle enough that it didn't take away from the meat, yet fiery enough to note it's presence. Almost like an actor that doesn't do too much, but still, you leave affected by his subdued performance. Like Steve Buscemi. Not like Jim Carrey. This sauce is no Jim Carrey. I really could have had 37 of these soft shell crab appetizers. Next up: Duck. I've never killed a duck in my life, but if all ducks tasted like this duck then I would be the spokesman for duck genocide. I've had some good duck, mind you, but Lucky Pierre makes a mouth watering, tender love treat that will leave you either extremely happy or violently angry (that you've never had it before). My date that night (some blonde) had the lobster tail, which was also superb, but, as she noted, lacked some type of starch, as it was only accompanied by peas and carrots - sort of an odd choice. Lastly, we left room for a Chocolate Bomb. No, that's not my clever way of describing what is essentially a chocolate souffle accompanied, of course, by a small serving of homemade vanilla ice cream and a little raspberry sauce, which I always hate (the raspberry sauce). It is actually on the menu as a "Chocolate Bomb" so it's Pierre's clever way of describing what is essentially a chocolate souffle accompanied by homemade vanilla ice cream and raspberry sauce. Inside the perfectly designed chocolate bomb flowed a darker, richer, hot, melted chocolate that could only be described as having the texture and taste of blood- the blood that must flow thru the veins of all the angels and saints in heaven. Its warm, delicate consistency moved me to what many would claim as a spiritual enlightenment. I was too embarrassed to say "bring me 6 more of those," but I wanted to. Again, this was not a cheap meal, but, as the old saying goes, neither is a good hooker.

So Much Food, So Little Time

I'm lazy. I just want to put that out there. I haven't written anything on here since my first blog was posted a long time ago, but, this is a blog about food so it should be expected that the writer would be a bit lazy. Honestly, to all my readers, meaning you, mom, and you, my girlfriend, I'm sorry. I should give you more. Here's a quick recap of where I've been and what I've eaten over the last year. Much more to come!

Kansas City:

If you like late night delicious greasy food and (loud) black people head on over to HAYES 2502 NE Vivion Rd
Kansas City, MO 64118-6222 Phone: (816) 453-5575. This place is small, smokey, and ready for "whateva" when it gets late. I absolutley loved it. Cheesy hashbrowns, burgers, and crazy, enormous cinnamon bunz drenched in sweet spread are especially wonderful between 3 and 5am. I was drunk, but I would argue that all of it was probably really good if you were sober too.

KC is also home to the original ARTHUR BRYANT'S, (1727 Brooklyn Ave KC, MO. Phone: 816-231-1123) which, oddly enough has great, greasy food and (rude) black people. This place should be a nationally preserved historic landmark. This is real bbq. Not that bullshit you make at home. This place is O.G. - as in an 80 year old smoke pit and sauce that contains copious amounts of animal fat. This is coronary trauma food. Your mouth will melt right before your left arm goes numb. Don't worry - that's just the sauce stopping the natural flow of your arteries. You will never forget this food. I would trade a heart attack for a bite right now. Also, I got the feeling you could get robbed or score good drugs or both at either of these establishments.

EL PASO:

Lets say you're in El Paso and you're fat. Head on over to FAMOUS DAVE'S 7501 N. Mesa St. El Paso, TX. Ph: 915-760-5355. I know! I know! You're saying, "Hey, that's a chain restaurant, Tom. Those are never good. Thank for nothing, you dickless half-wit." First of all, no need to insult me. Secondly, I'm only vouching for the El Paso location and if you don't like what they serve at the El Paso location then you're probably Asian or maybe you hate BBQ. But really, be sure to try the dick tips. Just kidding! But isn't it fun to say "dick tips?!" Especially as a food? It's just got a fun ring to it. Say it again. "One order of dick tips, side of cole slaw, please." Get the burnt ends plate and hang yourself with a cow's tail dipped in the sweet sauce if you don't like it.


CINCINNATI:

This is my hometown and I've had what I'm going to recommend here on more than one occasion. This is not a "discovery" write-up. I'm just giving props to a staple of society - SKYLINE CHILI (www.skylinechili.com). The same way AIDS and San Francisco couldn't exist without each other, Cincy and Skyline Chili dogs go finger in cooch. This is real food. It's simple, it's delicious, and it's wildly unhealthy for you. Who cares? To start, you should get a small plate of pasta with chili, cheese, and onions. But make sure you say, "I'll have a four-way" matter-of-factly so they don't think you're a fag. Then get chili cheese dogs - 3 or more. Then go home. Shit. Sleep. Shit again.

TAMPA:

If you've ever been to the French Quarter in New Orleans during the day, you've probably been taken by the charm and class that old French architecture and culture brings to that part of the city. At night, the streets overflow with mindless drunks and urine, but still, the charm remains. If you haven't been to the Ybor City section of Tampa just know that it's like the French Quarter only without the class or charm or architecture or culture or anything remotely French. It DOES have more urine and trashy white people, so you can relish in the trade-off: sure this place isn't very cool, but at least the people suck. Anyhoodles, there is one sugar cube in this festering turd of a "city" and that is the BAKED goodies inside of the greek restaurant ACROPOLOS GREEK TAVERNA 1833 E Seventh Street, Ybor City, FL 33605 Ph: 813-242-4545. I want to make it clear that I'm not suggesting that this is the best Greek food ever - it's not. It's not terrible, but it's not astounding. Whether you love or hate their entrees is up to you, but I will wrestle your testicles off in a bout of rage if you can present me with a better baklava. Big, flaky, and moist, this delectable ottoman treat is sweeter than the sweet nectar that must endlessly flow from Heidi Klums hoo-haas. This is a baklava to remember while the rest of the city begs you to blackout. Which you will.

HARTFORD:

Don't go to Hartford.

ERIE:

Don't go to Erie. Sorry. Go to Hartford and find something cool to do and something good to eat cause I didn't. Make sure not to tell me about it. Thanks.